But He Is a Good Guy – A Tale of Himpathy and Ruinous Empathy
If someone begins a statement with “𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘨𝘶𝘺,” I start paying even more attention. It’s almost instinctual for me now. Growing up, I’ve heard countless stories where friends and family defend toxic behavior with this phrase.
“𝘏𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘨𝘶𝘺” is passable,”𝘉𝘶𝘵, 𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘨𝘶𝘺” definitely warrants further scrutiny. My concern grew when I realized I’ve never heard anyone say “𝘉𝘶𝘵, 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭/𝘸𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯/𝘭𝘢𝘥𝘺.” Instead, it’s often “𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘱𝘰𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨,” portraying women as damsels, never good enough to be excused or absolved of their wrongdoings. A very common explanation I heard growing up is one should not discourage them men, they are egoistic and can’t handle honest opinions, so even if hurts, think of how good they are otherwise.
𝑹𝒖𝒊𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒔 𝑬𝒎𝒑𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒚 𝒅𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒃𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒚 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒔𝒐 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒅 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒆’𝒔 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒕-𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒎 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒗𝒐𝒊𝒅 𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒎 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒚 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒓 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈-𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒎 𝒃𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒇𝒊𝒕. 𝑾𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒒𝒖𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏, 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆'𝒔 𝒂𝒏 𝒂𝒅𝒅𝒆𝒅 𝒍𝒂𝒚𝒆𝒓: 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒚 𝒕𝒐 𝒆𝒎𝒑𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒛𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒎𝒆𝒏'𝒔 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒏'𝒔 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒏. 𝑴𝒐𝒓𝒂𝒍 𝒑𝒉𝒊𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒐𝒑𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝑲𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝑴𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒇𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒂𝒔 "𝒉𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒚."
Here’s a himpathetic story from my teenage days. I remember visiting a relative who had just given birth. I was an overweight teenager, shy and overly self-conscious about my body image. The child’s father walked into the room; apparently, he visited them once a week. Dramatically, he threw a bag with a dress onto the table. Intrigued by his theatrics, I watched as he played with his child before approaching his wife. He opened the bag, showed her the dress, and said, “𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘧𝘪𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴, 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦.” The room fell into a pin-drop silence, followed by hisses and whispers, “𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘨𝘶𝘺”; 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘢𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘦, 𝘣𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘵𝘩𝘺.” “𝘏𝘦’𝘴 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘶𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴, 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘮𝘦𝘯 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘭𝘺, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘳.” I was reminded that not all men are as good as him (thanking my stars for not finding one), so I’d better shape up.
I still don’t understand why my relative jumped onto these instructions, and desperately tried fitting into that dress, maybe fitting into shoes and clothes has been a fixation for us women and yes because “𝘩𝘦’𝘴 𝘢 𝘫𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘢𝘴𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶.”
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