When Kindness Stings: Recognizing and Handling Toxic Patterns

Whenever I struggled to get out of a 𝘵𝘰𝘹𝘪𝘤 𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 that drained me every single time and yet found myself pulled back right into it, the imagery of drowning scorpion worked wonders for me.

I often use it in therapy sessions and it has helped my clients too.

Toxicity is just like the 𝐝𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐩𝐢𝐨𝐧, and you try rescuing it only to get stung. Now why would the scorpion hurt you when you are ardently committed to rescuing it? It so happens to be its nature, every time you get down and lend your hand to rescue, you end up hurt. While you might want to believe it did this intentionally, the scorpion does not realize it is falling back into the deep waters by biting the hand that is helping it.

At this point in sessions, most of my clients ask, “𝘴𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘸𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘢𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘱𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘴 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘴 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦- 𝘸𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘵? 𝘞𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘴𝘰 𝘣𝘢𝘥𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘪𝘵.”

“𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘸𝘦 𝘥𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘦𝘵’𝘴 𝘷𝘪𝘴𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴”, is my response and then we begin imagining possible solutions. I have loved the responses that have come up in our sessions:

1. 𝘒𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘱𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯 𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨.

2. 𝘙𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘨𝘯𝘪𝘻𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘤 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘣𝘺 𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘱𝘪𝘰𝘯.

3. 𝘌𝘯𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘱𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘺 𝘣𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘥𝘨𝘦.

4. 𝘚𝘦𝘦𝘬 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘱𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘴𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘶𝘱 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵.

5. 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘱𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘴 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 𝘦𝘹𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥? 𝘗𝘦𝘳𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘱𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴!

I love the response from one of my clients to this one in particular- “𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘱𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴, 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘢 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘳 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶.”

“𝐈𝐭 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟-𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐚𝐲 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝𝐛𝐲𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐧𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮.” – 𝐑𝐮𝐦𝐢

Share with me any experience you had, esp. toxic ones, here: Toxic